Diary of a SoulFoodQueen💛🙏🏽💜

“I desire a love and connection to all things, a love so deep, so passionate, so raw, a connection that goes beyond the imagination that even when physically apart, we will forever know and be one heart.” – Soul Food Queen

Soul Food has a whole new and different meaning to me now! Previously when I thought of Soul Food, I would automatically think of that good, traditional Caribbean food that my mother, great aunts, and grandmother would prepare and cook with love and joy, for those that they were about to feed. I can smell and taste the memories, hmmm hmm hm!

Now, however, when I hear, think and visualize Soul Food, I genuinely think of ALL the things that can and do feed one’s soul, in particular, my soul and all that that can entail and include, which surprisingly is not just food! Huh! Go figure, because if you know me, you know my affair with food, cooking, and feeding people is serious! LOL.

Over the past year and a half, amidst the pandemic, being made redundant unexpectedly, losing my job, and in truth, the remaining wisps of my confidence, self-worth, and value, which lets face it, were aspects of myself and being that was already on shaky grounds, but that’s another story for another day! I have since been guided into a space where I have had to look and dig deeper, into who I really am and what makes me tick because my value and self-worth sure as hell are not based or defined by any 9 to 5! I have spent most of my life letting external situations, other people, past experiences, and a survival mode negative mindset that does not serve me, dictate my existence and validate my worth! I know crazy right, that I have allowed everything outside of me to mean more to me than my own self-worth and opinion of myself! I am only now truly learning and discovering that I am certainly not the only one that has struggled with self-love and self-worth because until recently I didn’t even know what true love of self looked like or felt like! For me is about learning to be kind to myself, not to be so hard on myself, being my own cheerleader, and being true to myself no matter what that may look like to others!

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So, here I am now on this amazing, messy journey of healing, changing my mindset for the better, self-love, and discovery of being my true, authentic self unapologetically and what that looks and feels like for me! And to be clear, I have fallen off a many a time on this journey and process, fallen back into the pit, back into the valley, and back to a season of self-sabotage, self-doubt, and hiding because let’s face it, it is easier to fall back into old habits and patterns and the woe is me story, then it is to be held accountable and to hold yourself accountable to changing your story and limiting beliefs, for we are truly limitless beings, however, I digress. On this journey of self-love, one of the main things and questions I personally seem to keep coming back to is, what does love look like and feel like to me? What feeds and lights up my soul and spirit?

Other than feeding people and a natural desire to help people in any way I can, I have come to realise that I love and live for connections and to feel connected! Connected to self, connected to others, and connections that cannot be seen or explained. What is she going on about you may be asking and wondering! I am talking about when you hear a song for the first time, you feel it deeply, it moves you, and you are unable to explain why but it moves you into action! I am talking about when you read, discover, and research something new and it gives you an unexplainable feeling that connects to your spirit in a way that you just can’t quite explain so we constantly ignore or bypass that feeling, that indication, that call to our soul! I am talking about when you eventually push past fear to try something new and it instantly feels like you’ve been doing it your whole life and brings you so much joy and fulfillment! I am talking about when you speak to someone, share with them openly without knowing why you’re doing so, see them, feel them, and for whatever reason they make you feel at home in their presence or just in general. These are just a few of the many things that I have discovered that speak to and feed my soul. Connection, understanding, feelings, emotions, and being spirit lead, make up a part of my core of what love looks like and feels like for me and helps my light to shine bright even when at times it can feel like I have nothing left to give, share or offer to myself let alone the rest of the world.  I am learning and discovering that love is always the answer to any situation, to any question we may have and that love of self is key before we go seeking it externally! That being said, it doesn’t mean however that we cannot explore, accept and appreciate the love that is all around us in its many forms, we just have to be open to seeing and receiving it as it may not come packaged how we expect, think or are used too! For me personally, love may come packaged as a no, as rejection, as something that can feel like a failure or even redundancy! Because ultimately I am discovering on my self-love journey, that we are always being guided towards love, which can sometimes mean losing the things and people that do not serve the intention of love the universe has for us!

One of the biggest lessons I am still learning this year is life is happening for me, not to me or against me but for me!

What love of self, love of others and love in general looks like and feels like to me may not be the same for you and everyone else, but love is available to us all and surrounds all of us, we just have to be willing to question our beliefs on what that can actually look like! I say all this in hope that you pose yourself these questions that have helped change my life and perspective for the better! What does love feel and look like for you? What does feeding your soul look like and feel like for you?

Thinking out loud,  

Soul Food Queen, feeding my mind, soul and spirit, not just my belly!